Alchemy

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al·​che·​my • noun | ˈal-kə-mē

1: a medieval chemical science and speculative philosophy aiming to achieve the transmutation of the base metals into gold, the discovery of a universal cure for disease, and the discovery of a means of indefinitely prolonging life

2: a power or process that changes or transforms something in a mysterious or impressive way

3: an inexplicable or mysterious transmutation

Alchemy is defined as the process of taking something ordinary and turning it into something extraordinary, sometimes in a way that cannot be explained.

In the same way that Rumpelstilzchen spun straw into gold, recovery is an almost mystical process of taking all of our discarded and broken parts and transforming them into what becomes our most treasured qualities.

We turn our addictions, shame, pain and all our dark and dirty secrets into something not only of value, but of rare beauty.

And then, we give it away.

In recovery – from anything – we all become Alchemists; wizards of transformation and transmutation, making all of our dirty parts sparkle. We slowly begin excavating the base metals we've kept hidden deep down inside – our insecurities and resentments, past hurts and future nightmares, and we add them one by one to a melding pot where all the magic begins.

As with any kind of mining, the excavation is the sweaty part.

The hard part.

Knowing where to look, and knowing where to dig.

Admittedly, when I set out on recovery my intention came from a place of sadness and resentment for myself. Of grief, for all the damage I was doing, spinning wildly and blindly with what felt like a knife in my hand. Of frustration and exhaustion after decades of being a tornado in people’s lives.

It was my intention to save myself, and in turn, hopefully gain the forgiveness of those I had hurt along the way.

When I started working with all the base ingredients that had been contributing to my predicament – my insecurities, my regrets, my anxieties and my seeming inability to allow anyone to get close – I realized I had it all backwards.

I discovered it was my own forgiveness I was seeking, so I could in turn help others.

It isn’t about helping ourselves so others forgive us.

It’s the other way around.

This is that magical alchemy in action, transforming our dark and closed-off corners into spaces of welcoming, unconditional brightness.

As I spent time (oh, so very much time) learning how to sit with my feelings and for once, actually feel them, I began to develop a friendlier relationship with my self-induced suffering, and in turn – the suffering of all other addicts, and anyone who felt hopelessly stuck. I started to broaden my perspective, no longer seeing my suffering as being all about me, but coming to realize that I was just one more passenger in a very common boat where the turbulent sea felt the same to all of us.

I began to see value in my pain, because it was in fact a link that connected me to everyone else in the world who was, or has been, or will be, in the same predicament.

All of us are in the same boat, riding the same rocky seas.

This is us. We all take turns rowing.

Indeed, the stories and causes behind our shared predicament are as vast and wide as the sea itself – but our experience of riding it is the same.

How it feels is the same, despite how we each ended up in the boat in the first place.

And we come to understand one another, to no longer fear one another, to no longer resent one another, or push each other away, through these shared feelings.

This connection with others, even though at first it’s just a perceived connection, helped to transform the lonely and isolated feelings of entrapment I had been living with for years into something much less scary and solitary.

I was suddenly no longer experiencing something that no one else could understand – I was on the precipice of becoming part of a wave of healing that could calm all the others in the boat alongside me.

And I had to start by transforming all the feelings of hostility I had towards myself into unconditional forgiveness and acceptance.

As is.

When you start by learning how to forgive yourself, actions of forgiveness naturally flow out to others.

When you start by developing patience and understanding for yourself, patience and understanding naturally flows out to others, too.

When you focus on your own healing, you’re ensuring your wounds stop bleeding on other people, and you are then able to help them care for their own wounds, too.

This friendliness towards ourselves (finally) is the foundation of lasting sobriety, of learning how to live to serve others without expecting things in return, and of releasing ourselves from the binds of what keeps us stuck.

It transforms the poison inside us into a nectar we can then pour out to others.

It transforms fear and hatred into courage and compassion.

And it starts with us.

It starts by learning how to transform all the ugly and heavy base materials we’ve burdened ourselves with carrying for too long into precious metals we’re able to share and give away, filling the empty pockets of anyone – and everyone – who needs it.

The alchemy happens when we start interrupting our normal reflex and habit of embellishing our flaws and zooming in on our mistakes.

The miracle happens when you begin to see differently – and you are able to start seeing so much more clearly, your views and perspective no longer skewed from negative self-talk and self-induced shame. The way the light falls on things while you pause illuminates them in a way where you can see them for what they are, no longer labelled or exaggerated by your self-deprecating storyline. You are suddenly able to find small joys and reasons to celebrate in what used to cause you pain and frustration, no longer fixating on how it could have been better, or different, or new and improved.

It just is.

You move from a place where things were never quite good enough, where you were ‘pathetic or worthless and riddled with mistakes and imperfections’ to a place where you simply catch yourself getting hooked and dragged away by your usual reflexes.

This becomes a huge reason to celebrate.

It all comes down to alchemy – turning one thing into another, and developing the ability to see gold in situations that at first glance look like nothing but lead.

When I zoomed out from my microscopic, critical view of myself where I could barely pull my eyes away from my failures, I didn’t forgive myself for having made mistakes.

I forgave myself for not having forgiven myself.

This has laid the groundwork for the rest of my journey into sobriety, and at every turn, every roadblock, every bump in the always bumpy road – I return to forgiveness and acceptance, over and over again. By training in forgiving myself, I become stronger at forgiving and understanding others, which leads to connection – the very core, and I believe cure, for addiction.

Continued recovery calls on repeatedly summoning the magic of alchemy to transform your emotions, your perceptions, and your experiences. It requires stepping back, over and over again, just far enough to see whatever we are dealing with in the context of a bigger, more inclusive, picture.

It doesn’t ask you to see the cliché good in everything, but the lessons.

It asks you to see yourself in others.

It asks for unconditional loving-kindness for yourself, so you can then offer the same loving-kindness to others.

And in that boundless understanding of our shared challenges and pain, we find a kind of belonging that holds the power to cure the deepest and darkest of addictions, to dissolve the most seething sensations of separateness, and to help courageously transform our suffering into a universal compassion for all living things.

xoxo SJ

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B-Sides

This post has been dragged out of my personal journals, written in 2019 though never shared, as part of my ongoing (new) B-Sides Collection of archived stuff that now feels like the right time to send it out into the world.

Banner photo credit: ©Tina Schultz