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Well, who am I joking?

I’m sure a lot of you thought I was dead.

And in all honesty, in a less literal way, I basically was.
For far too long.

Don’t get me wrong, though. SO many wonderful things have happened during my radio silence, and I’m sure I’ll ramble on as I go, as those hidden little paths in the woods I’m walking through try to sneak past me and I unwittingly follow them anyhow.

And, without fail, I usually end up at surprising, otherwise overlooked, beautiful spaces.

Though sometimes I also find dead-ends and scary cliffs I come too-close-to-comfort at plummeting over in my constant distraction with so many things that aren’t worth being distracted by.

But I digress, which is sort of my thing. (Spoiler alert: I’m happy. Like, really happy. That’s the tl;dr version of everything to come below and in future posts - be forewarned, I have a lot to say and an entirely new trajectory for this blog and my writing).

Once again I find myself unpacking all the things I’d tucked away and put in storage to be either forgotten, ignored, or dealt with ‘later’ – despite convincing myself I really had faced these demons, did the wash, and cleaned up my messes. I really, honestly did think those things.

I just forgot to take out the trash.

That was the problem – I stored them.
I didn’t get rid of them.

Or, maybe, I didn’t tie up some loose ends that were too scary to invite out - you know, the deep-rooted stuff that all the other deep-rooted stuff stemmed off…and repeat.

That stuff.

Those flapping little frayed bits on the big long web of your life; the broken parts, the excess, the snags on your favourite winter sweater.

And that’s not what I’m writing about today, but it’s worth noting that despite having it all either fall at my feet (though earned, if you asked me) - celebrity of sorts, a grateful audience, deep satisfaction in my work – it turned out, it was never the attention I was seeking. It was never fame. It was never money.

It was validation.

How does that Marlon Brando quote from On the Waterfront go? You know the one where he was being controlled by this big mob boss before he himself became the mob boss in The Godfather?
“I coulda been a contender!”?

Good lord, he was a handsome man.
Anyways…

Focus, Shawn. Focus.

And that right there, is what I’ve been doing. You know how when there’s something that smells off in your house? Like, ‘Where is that smell coming from?"‘

The fridge? Those old lemons in the bowl by the stove? Did I forget I threw out shrimp tails in the garbage 3 days ago? Did Cruella (our new Chinese Crested pup) take a poop somewhere behind the couch?

You focus. You find it.

You clean it up.

Because you can’t live in a house that smells like that. So, what’s so different? Why do we treat our homes so different from the only home we really have?

Our bodies. Our minds. Our souls. Our environment.

Our thoughts.

Maybe even more importantly – our actions, and our words.

To others, and ourselves.

It’s easy for me talk about all this – but how did I go about this?

Or more accurately – how am I going about this?

What did I unpack? How did I find that smell in my house?

Not to disappoint you after trailing you along this far, but I honestly wish I knew.

But, I’ll do my best.

All I can talk about (and I can talk) is what I’ve done.

There’s endless posts and ramblings of my journey thus far (more or less) on this blog – and to be completely honest, in re-reading them I can’t help but see all the parallels to other people, other places, other times, other situations – other smells – if you’d just swap out one word for another:

Drinking?
Replace it with eating disorder.
Replace it with gambling.
Replace it with depression.
Replace it with negative self-talk.
Replace it with procrastination.
Replace it with self-induced-anxiety, self-abuse, social withdrawal, abusive, toxic relationships - the list goes on.

Make this post and this blog your own. Swap a word here or there as needed, and hopefully it’ll in turn help you find that smell that’s filling up your house.

I’m not going to go on at length here (really, Shawn?) because I already have, but now that I have momentum I have a lot to talk about (finally).

I honestly just woke up tired.

Who doesn’t, right?

I know you can identify with this: I woke up tired in a way I couldn’t put into words. The ‘I can’t get out of bed’ sort of tired. But for days on end.

Months.

Again.

Despite, once again, seemingly having the entire world at my feet (I’m a cat like that, and somehow always land on my feet – disregard all the bumps, breaks, scars and injuries incurred on the way down, though). I became a very much high-functioning-self-imploding-self-abusive-robot.

And I wasn’t paying any real important attention to anything that mattered.

Since my separation and divorce, I managed to not only survive the pandemic but found the love of my life and best friend, Darrell – in insolation – on Instagram. I crushed the pandemic – I thrived.

We rebuilt my life together, got married, and are quite delightfully living happily ever after. My careers collapsed, my life was turned upside down mid-pandemic in ways I never thought possible or ever even crossed my mind as a possibility. My finances were/are devastated as a result, and that’s a post for another day. (Easter egg: I’ll show what you really happy looks like to me at the end of this post).

I had every reason in the world to give up, even though I had everything I wanted, everything I needed, and the best partner you could ask for.

But, I was still tired.

I was done. Or at least, I should’ve been - despite everything.

Full disclaimer: I am happy.

Perhaps more alive than I’ve felt in a really, really, really long time.

You know all the emails you get every day? The subscriptions; the newsletters, the marketing – all the noise. It’s the stuff that fills your inbox and sways your thinking. It manipulates you to buy things you don’t need, to click links you don’t need to click, to lose yourself in a scroll-hole of wasted moments-in-time when you could otherwise be living your actual life. And, we contribute to the noise. Never forget whatever you put out gets absorbed by everyone who follows you, loves, you likes and comments on your posts and reels, your stories, the news and links you share. You are your own newsfeed, and it’s up to you what content you choose to believe in and share, and send forth into the universe where it will become part of everyone who sees it life, day, brain, thoughts, and feelings.

Pay attention to your words and actions. You aren’t only contributing, but you’re absorbing it in the other direction.

I’m not saying social media is a toxic wasteland (it often is), but used responsibly, safely and with compassion, it’s the most powerful tool that has ever been introduced in modern times. It can do as much damage as a nuclear bomb – or used properly, you can find good in something as personally impactful to every person as the Covid pandemic, like I somehow managed to during it.

But, the more subversive subscriptions that fill up our inboxes, lives, and cause all those smells in your life come in a lot sneakier ways:

Social Media (to excess) *see above
Drama
Stress
Self-or-other-induced anxiety
Worrying
Procrastination
Passive-Aggressiveness
Narcissism
Lies
Yelling
Blame
Anger
Resentment
Hatred
Guilt
Shame
Negative self-talk

That’s the short list.

I started by unsubscribing to a lot of these, by choice – as I noticed myself engaging in them. I am sure a professional would recommend making a list of all the things and ways you do this (we all do, don’t beat yourself up) and tasking them.

But we’re human. We know what we should do.

We just…don’t.

But in whatever way works for you - name them. Make them real. Invite them out. Acknowledge you engage - and participate - in these things in ways you don’t even know you do (we all do).

You have to make them real. You have to confess to yourself that you do this.

Because we all do.

You have to start noticing when you’re knee-deep in it. When you’re usually already too far down and you’re covered in it – when you’re filled with the noise.

And you’ll know. Because once you start noticing it, you’ll recognize it in your body, your thoughts, your words, your actions, behaviours, patterns, and all the ways you (we) all reinforce it.

Every. Single. Day.

Then, no different from that cluttered inbox, from the garbage you forgot to take out, from the rotting lemons on your countertop – you get rid of them.

Unsubscribe.

Just STOP.

Tell yourself you’re done. You no longer subscribe to this, and you definitely no longer engage on it - or worse - own it. Then do some of the things that you DO subscribe to. Things that support your peace of mind, your health, and your well-being – no matter what that looks like to you.

Here’s what I DO subscribe to these days. Anything on this list can take all my energy, with my full blessing, and I fully engage with them to whatever capacity I am capable of that day:

Passion
Honesty
Listening
Patience
Positive thinking
Self-reflection
True friends and family
Talents
Strengths
Creativity of all sorts
Generosity
Compassion
Simple things
Minimalism
Good homecooked real food
Slowing down
Personal health of all kinds
Love

Sounds easy, right?

It’s not - but in another way – it actually sort of really, really is.

Like any mindfulness practice, this is just noting.

Noticing.

Paying attention.

And honey, I’m not talking paying attention to everything around you. I’m talking about what you let in.

And, in turn, what you’re putting out.

Just start paying attention and taking out the trash, whether it looks like that rotting garbage, the cluttered inbox, the boxes of things in your basement you’ll never need nor use, those awful habits you beat yourself up for every day.

Find one thing that makes you excited to wake up. It may something as simple as buying yourself a tiny miniature teacup rose plant that needs you and pays you back by smelling so sweet and fills your house with something that smells a lot better than 3-day-old shrimp tails.

Start with that.

And lets face it - we are all addicts, in our own special way.

Just try and get addicted to things that nourish you instead of deplete you. Replace actions, words and thoughts as you catch them. Just note them as they start passing through (and taking hold) of you. Notice the things you really wish weren’t part of your life anymore, and just unsubscribe, as hard as it is. Stop participating.

My best friend introduced me to the Golden Question, and I toss it back to her on occasion, and it’s transformative. I’m sure that I’m going to massacre the proper phrasing of this, but I know you’ll get it.

So I’m going to leave you with this, until next time: