I'm Still Here

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In the last 6 months alone, I’ve lost my house, my husband, best friend, all my belongings, my career and ALL my income, and even a little bit more of my eyesight. But don’t worry, this isn’t a sad story, it’s one of hope, acceptance, and a whole lot of patience.

In the midst of all this chaos – both mine and that of everyone on this planet – I have had to learn to be forgiving. I’ve had to learn patience, acceptance, and the ever-being-refined art of Letting Go. It’s something I need to practice not only daily but minute by minute, as it seems anything I’m trying to hold onto keeps somehow slipping through my hands. And it’s been in this daily holding on and letting go, holding on and letting go, that I’m learning the letting go is much less painful than the holding on.

In the short span of 5 years beginning in 2007 I lost the entire paternal side of my family. Gone. In the blink of an eye, and at the same time, drawn out over the longest 5 years of my life (which I’m still drawing out every day, 13 years later). Then, I somehow garnered the adoration of the planet and gained global notoriety for being that guy who makes sick kids dreams come true. I was ripped from a pit to a pinnacle, and somehow asked to figure it all out - this small town boy who never actually even graduated college. I was in a spotlight I didn’t ask for, my intentions turned into prayers I had no power or understanding of how to answer.

This threw me into a spiral - one that led to an all-encompassing alcohol addiction as a result of not knowing how to deal with all the loss - and gain - that was occurring in my life.

Honestly, all I wanted to do was make some people happy.

There were too many parts of me I hated, and too many I wished to love.

And I had no idea or instruction on how to deal with any of it.

Then...well of course this led to thousands of people turning to me (who knew nothing) to help them unleash their own demons that turned them to drinking.

Meanwhile, I still had hundreds of demons on my own back.

I am learning I crave silence more than celebrity.

Every time I'm close to celebrity, I run. Maybe it's because I don't feel I'm good enough, but also - maybe it's because I really just value silence.

Maybe it's because I'm still trying to understand myself and this entire catastrophe.

I am learning to forgive myself for wishing things were different than how they are.

Every day.

(Bear with me here, the good part is coming)

Fast forward years later, past the ugly parts of my marriage still referred to as “The Horrible Awful” that sowed the seeds for it’s ultimate dissolution this past November, 1 day after our 10 year wedding anniversary (but 18 years “together”).

I’ll skim over the medical issues, past that part last October where I somehow managed to anger the ENTIRE GLOBE and received everything from death threats to hate mail because of ONE innocent wedding photo - and here we are today, where I was sitting in my yard watching what I didn’t even know was left of the foundation beneath my feet crumble away.

Somehow, trust me - there is always more to lose.

Rock bottom is being held up by something, and if you aren’t careful - it will claw you down into it.

But I digress – I said this wasn’t going to be a sad story, and I promise you it isn’t.

Because I’m still here.

That is the point.

Through it all - which I know "my all" is just a sliver of the awfulness so many go through on a daily basis - but to ME, it’s big…and I AM still here. Through the pandemic, through being loved AND hated by the entire world, through losing half of my family, my husband, my identity and everything I identified myself as. And so much more I don't have the liberty to discuss, but trust me - there's a lot of loss.

I’m still here.

Perhaps it’s partly because of grace, but perhaps it’s also partly because of knowing – always – that in this moment, I AM OKAY. Right now, this moment, pandemic or no pandemic, global hatred or love, expectations or lost loves and friends - right now…I’m still here.

It’s almost as though I had spent years putting this intricate jigsaw puzzle together, mixed with beautiful shapes and colours and I was almost getting to understand that final art that I was creating…and then someone came and flipped the table and all my pieces went flying into ten thousand new and confusing shapes.

Yet I am still - somehow - yearning to put it back together.

That's life. Yearning. Despite it all.

I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of wanting to know what that final puzzle looks like, once it’s together.

If it ever is.

THIS doesn’t break us. Pandemics don’t break us. Divorce doesn’t break us. Loss doesn’t break us.

Our attitudes break us.

Fear breaks us.

Among some scary health conditions that are manageable but terrifying, my nearly two-decade marriage fell apart. It’s awful and sad, but it happens.

I could feed these fears, or I could use it them as fertilizer to start growing new things.

I could let this break me, or I could (and am) using it to understand who is good for me, and why, and how I can be good for them in return.

I could let the totality of my entire world crumbling and being disassembled - emotionally, financially, and realistically - break me into pieces. Or I could use those pieces to rebuild what I always wanted, and was too afraid to ask for and build.

This whole pandemic, the lockdown and breakdown - it can be a chance for me to whip up wonderful conspiracy theories and stories of lack, or I can see it as a chance for me to finally being handed what I’ve asked for.

A break.

A rest.

A time to breathe.

A time to regroup.

This could not have come at a better time for me, and I hope that you’re using this time the same for yourself.

And if you’re not, that’s okay too.

Because you’re still here.

Heartbreak is hard. Loss is hard. Letting go is hard.

I’m fairly certain that there aren’t many parts of this life that are NOT hard.

And I think that’s the point.

To find your soft spots.

To find the spots that ache when you touch them.

That cry when you come close.

To find those places and to give all of your attention to them.

And this pandemic has been a gift.

This breath of air has been what I’ve needed, to navigate what I found growing rampant through my life from seeds I didn’t notice were planted nearly a decade ago. Likely more. This is our chance to quietly - or loudly - accept or decide to refuse what we are being faced with in these lives WE HAVE CREATED.

So yes. It’s been a very hard six months. And I’m leaving out 98% of the details, for the record.

Because oh boy, is there more.

But what I’m hoping to have got across in this long, very past due ramble - is this:

YOU ARE STILL HERE.

I’m still here.

And if all goes well, we will be here tomorrow, too.

So step back. Remember that it’s all NO BIG DEAL.

Remember that you’ve been through (and likely will go through) much, much worse than what you think you’re going through right now.

This is easy.

XOXO Shawn

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Originally published on my facebook profile on 5/21/20