I struggle to connect with so many people and things. Alcohol is the one thing that is always ready, willing and waiting for me. Ready to numb all my connectors so I don't have to think and I don't have to care. And music. Music is always there to try and bring me back to life, or to help me lose myself even more...

"Disappointments are to the soul what a thunderstorm is to the air." – Friedrich Schiller

Addiction extinguishes the flame inside you. The one that sometimes burns brightly, and fuels everything of value: passion, creativity, drive, hope. I felt as though the fire inside me went out so long ago that all of those things went with it.

See the cage, it called. I said, come on inI will not open myself up this way again Nor lay my face to the soil, nor my teeth to the sand I will not lay like this for days now upon end...

Sometimes you are the toxic person.Sometimes you are the mean, negative person you're looking to push away. Sometimes the problem is you.

If you're lost out where the lights are blinding, Caught and all the stars are hiding, That's when something wild calls you home

In 2012, I had found 'my calling'. I was helping people everywhere, using my god-given-talent and a lot of creativity. I was a philanthropist and I was changing lives around the world, making dreams come true. I was being featured on The Today Show. World News with Diane Sawyer. Here I am today, an alcoholic having dreams of losing my thumbs.

He smelled like the factory he worked at when I was a child. Like grease and coal. And he put his lips to the top of my head while I was still crying and said 'I forgive you. For most of it.'