Swallowing My Own Tail

Just a little post for this morning, as I'm heading out the door for a photoshoot this morning (I'm a photographer).

Though tight on time I refuse to skip this morning routine – running late? Write it anyways. Got the flu? Write it anyways. Dog barfed all over the floor? Write it anyways. At least I'm not hungover.

Journalling is such sweet, priceless therapy.

Today marks Day 7 sober. A small but valiant victory.

I've lost 4 lbs, 5 lbs (just weighed myself!), saved $170 CAD in booze I didn't buy, and gained some self-respect in the process. Not bad for 143 hours.

Today's talk and video in The Alcohol Experiment was about drinking and it's link to depression (and vice versa). I admit I've always wondered which came first, the chicken or the egg. Was it my adolescent (and later adult) depression that I reached to drinking to dilute? Or was it my drinking that caused the heavy cloud overhead and within to grow, and grow, and grow?

I think it's fair to say that each exacerbated the other.

At this point, 28 years after I started "seriously" drinking, it's like the snake who swallowed it's tail.

The Ouroboros.

Now, if you haven't heard of the Ouroboros, here's a quick synopsis, taken from Tokenrock.com:

The ouroboros has several meanings interwoven into it. Foremost is the symbolism of the serpent biting, devouring, or eating its own tail. This symbolizes the cyclic Nature of the Universe: creation out of destruction, Life out of Death. The ouroboros eats its own tail to sustain its life, in an eternal cycle of renewal.

And that's what I have been, albeit subconsciously, trying to do. With every drink, I'd try and get my life back, to temporarily numb the depression – and in turn, I would end up even more depressed.

The eternal cycle just got bigger and bigger with each swig – the more I'd take, the more it would take back. The higher the wine brought me, the lower I'd end up.

I've spent my entire life chasing my own tail.

This is a shallow analogy that I hope to explore more, since I think there's a lot of parallels between the Ouroboros and the alcoholic...the only difference being the serpent finds renewal, and alcoholics just get bit. Or maybe, it's a symbol of the recovering alcoholic? Maybe that's why it's speaking to me today, on Day 7, finally remembering what being sober feels like?

Finally connecting with myself, like the snake, at last, reaching it's tail.

Life out of Death.

A snake is often a symbol of resurrection, as it appears to be continually reborn as it sheds its skin.

And today, 1 week sober, I'm beginning to feel like things are starting to peel.

To be continued...